from a lunatic's vantage

September 10 (Nasty)

2009-09-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

I hurried not to be late for it. It’s the nth time and my mind can’t still absorb, like a dry sponge, that time runs so fast. I didn’t even notice the proctor already had given the instructions. I knew it, I know. There’s no more telling me of what to do. I prepared for this and part of it is to research every minutia of this make-or-break moment. So, I know.

The papers are on my desk. I stared at it without scanning its pages. I began to flinch. “Why Carl?”, I asked myself. It’s just an exam. Indeed, it is but it isn’t just an ordinary exam where you can easily elbow the thought of misfiring it. Others will but I can’t, I think. I want to pass this one. I want to study here. I had enough before I won’t let this be an addendum to my compendium of frustrations.

I started answering. I can feel it rushing and churning. I’m trying to surmount the butterflies as they flutter their wings inside my stomach by setting a cool equanimity. Yes, it is working and flowing as planned. What they say is true. We all withhold at first but there’s no use of sustaining it until the end.

I am nearly done with the first part. It’s fairly easy. The room’s so tranquil. I can only hear the sound of silence and few sighs from every student. All heads bowing down, squinting their eyes just to see every detail of every question. I suddenly felt the pang of this stiff competition and most, the thought of losing it. My eyes wandered though the room. I thought, “How many of us here inside will pass the LAE?”. I hoped so hard to be one of those whose names will be posted in the Admissions Bulletin “For Interview”. I can’t afford to fail. I am all ready for this match. Take it everywhere and I am willing to fist-fight with anyone.

I let out a placating sigh just to appease my mind. It wanders so much, I can’t focus.

Time is up!

The room started to be filled with grouch, all of them asking for a minute, even an hour, more. I thought, “As if.”

Damn. I’m not yet done. I told myself for the nth time, “Carl, time runs fast.”

I tried to finish my own. I don’t know how many questions are still unanswered. I just took advantage of the every second.

But, why are they packing and standing up? We just finished the first part. There are still four to go. Nobody’s paying attention to me since I asked not. I can’t enthrall the moment. What’s happening? Others already went out. I can hear their banter about the exam. “Blabbermouths,” I imagined.

I stood up and asked the proctor, “Why are they going out?”

“The exam’s over. Let me have yours.” she replied as she reached for my test papers.

“But we’ve just finished the first part.”

“Where the hell is your mind kiddo? The exam’s over. See that? You’re holding the other four. Don’t tell me you didn’t answer it?”

I slowly scan the papers on my hand as if there could be some monster that would surface in it and devour me just like Grendel of Beowulf. “Holy shit.”

I suddenly felt the black hole eating me up. Nobody’s there to offer a hand to pull me. It seems a lightning struck and stunned me for the whole damn moment.

I asked her, “May I still answer the other four, Miss?”

Hastily she replied, “No.”

“Please Ma’am. Let me. Please” Tears began to run down my face. This couldn’t be happening.

Again, this time with an exasperating tone, she said plainly, “No.”

I can hear murmurs and snickers in my mind. I tried to understand what’s happening. I sat down for a while forcing my mind to absorb everything. I wept and I am alone.

“Goodness!” as my body jolted on my bed. I squinted at the clock as it reads 6:00 AM.

“Ang sama ng panaginip ko, Ma. Hindi ko daw nasagutan iyong apat na parts ng UP LAE.”

“Hindi totoo yan. Kabaligtaran ang mangyayari. Yan kasi hindi ka nagsisimba at nagdadasal bago matulog. Kumain ka na.” sagot ni mama.

I’m glad it was just a dream but it’s so close to reality that I even convinced myself it’s close to happening.

I won’t let that happen. I won’t.

Hotdogs, pandesal and noodles for breakfast. Wohoho.

O__o

September 8 - 2 (My UP LAE materials)

2009-09-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

I bought my LSAT reviewer at Booksale at a price-cut three months ago roughly with just a setback. It isn’t the latest though. Me being frugal, I couldn’t just divest my purse of a thousand for the latest edition. Guys, it’s a thousand plus compared to P 240. Horse trading when buying anything is vintage of me and I am just after its content. So, spare me of detailing this lone disadvantage.

I’ve also cashed-out a little bit for my UPCAT reviewer. (Oops! I never noticed it’s cheaper than my LSAT. )

Lastly, since I stand foursquare of pursuing this endeavor, I’d attend the review at White Elephant Review and Training Center. I already paid P 2,500 for this. (They slashed out 500 because of my early payment. Thanks!) The review would be on the 27th of this month. Good luck to me! I don’t know if it would be helpful, considering the review will just last for 9 hours. I am a bit ambivalent if it really could reinforce what I know, especially with Quantitative Reasoning, otherwise known as “MATH”. But no time for ranting now, I’ve paid for it and I’ll make the best out of it.

All set?

Big NO.

Let’s also recount what I’ve done so far with these things.

I am done reading Logical Reasoning and Logic Games of my LSAT but I cannot wager on my mastery of these subjects.

I NEARLY finished all of exercises in my UPCAT reviewer. Take note of the word “nearly”, why? Surprise! Math. Swift and keen.

White Elephant sent me my materials today. I’d just scanned it for a while and closed it again. I’ll answer the sample tests once I finished studying everything.

My assessment as of today, in the scale of 1 to 10 and 10 being the highest, I couldn’t say I deserve 1.

Til tomorrow.

O__o

September 8 - 1

2009-09-09T21:14:00.000-07:00

Let me first greet our Mother Mary a very Happy Birthday!

Okay.

This is it. I finally decided to take this road to UP LAW. But, as we all know and I accounted before, I couldn’t just clout the doors of Malcolm Hall and squander on its pavement in an instant. Of course, I have to pass everything it demands.

3 months ago, I started putting into writing everything I feel and think with regard the UP LAE. From my dilemma of whether to take it or not to my preparations to my verdict that Yes, I will take it no matter what.

Now that I’ve made up my bloody mind, I decided too to chronicle (word contributed by kaLAWkohan, thanks) my everyday journey to LAE.

Enough Said.

A CUT ON UP LAE

2009-06-04T00:55:00.000-07:00

I felt some chills to the bone as I was reading stuffs about the UP LAE. Back then, it was my dream to become a lawyer since I graduated from high school. I am now a professional after passing the dreaded CPA Board Exam last year. Conversely, it doesn’t seem to satisfy my insatiable hunger for the law endeavor.

After some time of planning my moves, I can’t just dump the idea of going to UP Law. I just read from one network site of Pinoy Lawyers, it says, “If you are not going to UP Law, don’t even bother to study law!” Indeed, the student defines himself. But school does somehow too. What company is not going too hire an applicant who is a graduate of the best school in the Philippines? More, if that aspirant is a UP Law graduate. I can’t think of any.

Of course, one can’t just barge his way to the doors of Malcolm Hall and study without passing the rigid Law Aptitude Exam. Out of an average of 20,000 plus takers per year, only a percent (or less) is expected to be admitted. From that solely, you can imagine how hard the competition is just to secure a single slot from the most coveted law school in the land. “Given the low tuition rates and a bevy of ass-kicking professors, who would not want to study at UP?!” I always say.

As early as May, I’ve started preparing for the exam. From reading the status quo in the broadsheets (political issues specifically) to jotting down unfamiliar words and constructing a sentence out of it. I just have to buy the nifty reviewers since an advice from a plurker says I have to because the questions are similar to that of the UP LAE. I’ve been considering also attending to a review offered by some institution but due to my dirt-poor status, maybe I’ll shrug it off.

I am not so sure what does it take to hurdle that exam. Anyway, preparation lessens the probability of failing, right?

Tips guys, I badly need it.

A PATHETIC WAY TO RICHES!

2009-05-29T00:58:00.000-07:00

On my way home yesterday, since I decided to take up the Niog way from SM Bacoor due to road renovations along Molino Road (the road has been so much a hassle folks!), I passed thru the hospital that has sculpted a gross scene in my mind. Medical Center Imus, it is the name of the hospital I loathe much.

A month ago, my mom texted me that my younger sister is gnarling because of some sort of severe stomachaches, that she has to be confined for observation. The next day, I hurriedly went home to Cavite from Quezon City to check on my sis. I felt anxious when I saw that she couldn’t even walk normally. She walks so lamely. By then, my mom and I decided to have her checked in MCI by a specialist to be sure of the problem. After a set of examination, except the “amylase test”, I thought she’d be attended by the doctor and tell us what her diagnosis is. I felt outrage inside when the intern told us that the doctor couldn’t see us and advised my sister to be confined in the hospital to be utterly observed. Also, he told us that the laboratory test results were already examined by the doctor and the possibilities were either acute appendicitis or acute pancreatitis. She had to say that it was the one who grim reaped the life of the matinee Idol Rico Yan. Damn! It’s not good, I imagine. Those diagnoses are life-takers. But, Jeezuz! Without knowing the exact condition of my sister, they would advise us that. Their room rates are awfully exorbitant. I suddenly thought if this is just their strategy to make money easily. They’ll milk their patients even if there’s no serious problem to be attended to. I turned skeptic about it while still thinking of what happened to Rico Yan. (Was it a sleeping order, specifically sleeping apnea, which ended his life?) But half of me tells that my sister needs to be checked. After some time of racking our brains out thinking of what to do next, my mom and I agreed on their recommendation but the more serious problem is we didn’t have bucks for the hospitalization. We were in a quandary, no exaggeration. I called up my aunts if they could let us borrow some. They told us to bring my sister to UP-PGH for speedy medication. They were also thinking what I was thinking that maybe it’s just a cozen the hospital has been practicing. With our minds already worn out, we went straight to UP-PGH with my cousin (Thanks to him!).

Inside the vicinity of UP-Manila, I thought the hospital needs a lot of refurnishing and renovation. The place looks notoriously haunted and creepy. Anyway, it is obviously not the topic to be discussed in details. LOL

In the emergency room, the doctors unhesitantly checked on my sister. I told the lady doctor that we already have her checked in a private hospital and the possibilities are acute appendicitis and pancreatitis. Surprisingly, after having some poking in my sister’s stomach and interrogation, she told us something that had slammed me on my face. It is neither of the both! WTF! I imagined the amount we must have wasted for the hospitalization in MCI. That was close! We were endorsed to the resident specialist for complete attention and he told us the same, my sister is just having a severe hyperacidity. I leered to my sis as if she knew what I am going to do after this. She is a hell of a figure-conscious teenager! I don’t know what to feel but I’m happy that it isn’t that serious. The previous hospital we wrongly went to that day and its crazy doctor occupied my mind for a while. My mind ravaged so much that I want to blast MCI off.

I was really grateful to the doctors who attended to my sister. I laud them, without using those machines used for different laboratory test; they were able to prescribed medication. All my praises to UP-PGH. Just a bit of reaction, doctors are somehow ill-tempered. Nevertheless, they are all great. LOL

To that doctor in MCI (I can hardly remember her/his name, THANK GOD!); I gravely hope you will make your way to your riches with that kind of perspective. Remember, in the end you will not be asked how much money you made during your professional stint but how many lives you’ve touched with that noble calling. Dump off your professional license!

To MCI, you are housing in your caboodle of specialists a self-centered beast!

Whew! Enough said.

THE NEVER ENDING SLUR

2009-05-27T00:39:00.000-07:00

Chip Tsao, Alec Baldwin, makers of “The Desperate Housewives” etc. Just to name few of some who were dubbed as “racist” by Filipinos. After an hour or two of deciphering, I managed to set my stand on these issue.

Let us define first what RACISM is. According to the venerable wikipedia:

“Racism is the belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and those racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race.”

It denotes violence, oppression and prejudice. It is universal so as to racism is a rancid culture.

I commend all those who bring out efforts to lash back whenever Philippines has been latched on racial issues. Need to say, they have basked the justice they were all fighting for. (They made most of the slurers to apologize.)

However, had they thought that before talking back to other races on regards of these belittling matters, shouldn’t we set the mirror first on our faces? I mean, that we must look a wee bit deeper into our character first. It is presumptive that whenever there is somebody who has the drive to recoil against racists, he is to rant on behalf of the whole country of Philippines, I believe. Therefore, fair it is to take the entirety on the requisite too, right? Does Philippines don’t practice racism? Don’t we rib at Koreans, who we term as “Krung-Krung”? Okay. Let us take the supposition that we are not, albeit we all know it is a total travesty. Given that, is it now okay to launch repercussions against the slurers? On my stand, still, it is big NOT.

Look inside folks. Imagine this, you are off to school since it’s the first day. You saw your former classmates but unluckily, they now belong to other sections. But before the classes officially start, you managed to chat with them first bombastically. Then the bell rings, you find yourself seated again in the four corners of your abominable room. The seat before you is still vacant. You imagine who’s going to sit there for a while. The door opened and you saw a big guy with curly hair and sun-darkened skin. He sat next to you. You knew he is a transfer student. What would be your initial reaction from the moment he sat beside you? What would your mind mutter?

Let us be reminded, racism does not solely take the form of verbal denigration. The time your mind says snide remarks about someone notionally, you are being a racist. That is prejudice, right? Sobering to say, this is rampant in our country. I would not subterfuge. I, myself, do that too before, but now I can say in moderation. I have that superiority complex which has given me a number of pros and cons.

At the bottom, I have nothing against to those who fancies for justice when our nationality has been mucked. This post is meant to abate our prejudicial tendencies to others. It’s in us, accept that. It’s a sort of AIDS. Incurable.

Done.

BOXING THE ODDS TO LEGISLATURE

2009-05-17T17:47:00.000-07:00

After the much-touted victory of the Pambansang Kamao over the British slugger the Hitman Hatton, Pacquiao is now on the centerstage of the same but broader controversy which I think he had never learned something from.

Way back 2007, it can be noted when PacMan tried to infiltrate the mucky game of politics. It was after the fiasco of Jorge Solis to the world renowned pound-for-pound fighter. Like a grapevine, the issue of his entry resonated apace in the whole archipelago, given his celebrity status that could almost rival Hollywood star's. Resolute on his decision, Manny proceeded to his pursuit but unluckily, he was totally knocked out by Darlene Antonino-Custodio via 37,000 plus votes on the congressional run in the first district of South Cotabato and General Santos City. The "VOTE FOR MANNY" pins didn't work?! Sobering. It was rumored that he deluged the whole city with his wealth as part of his vote-buying activity but what really happened was a hoax. GenSan splurged, it's true! But still voted for Manny's contender. A magnificent parody, isn't it? Wise people. We really are born sly. Bravo! Maybe, it's one of the reasons why he suddenly transferred to Saranggani.

I wasn't surprised when the news paved its way to the scene, telling that Pacquiao will be running for the congressional berth again but now in Saranggani. Many had raised their brows, advising Manny to stay as a sports icon. He once said during an interview when asked about his dream endeavor, "Mataas na yung bunga nung itinanim kong puno. Next year mag-harvest na tayo.". Umm, Isn't it more apt to say "hinog" rather than "mataas"? Just a thought, has he really invested for this? What kind of politics is he envisioning? What are his basis that next year will be the reap period?

"Better life for the poor", his mantra. With that, his motive is truly commendable, the big BUT is if really holds it with conviction. However, the shibboleth he's trying to espouse is quite subtle and with the air of apathy hovering in the country, I guess he'll just be rebuffed. The fact that thrives in here is a diversity of illness we found incurable since then, thus employing an utterly abstract vision would just ensue to country-wide cynicism.

Eavesdrops say, his appropriation for the upcoming election is P 350 million. "holy mother of god!" that is what I have to say after reading Ellen Tordesilla's blog post in gmanews.tv last Tuesday, May 12. I wonder how many Filipinos can benefit from this amount if it would be used to produce jobs? Isn't that his aim? To help people make a better living. He can definitely venture out into his own business conglomerate. Applying simple math, if the law provides a ceiling of P 10 a candidate could spend for every registered voter, then there are 35 million who will vote in Saranggani. According to the World Factbook, the population of the country as of July 2008 totaled an entirety of 96 million plus. Thence, Saranggani represents 36.46% of the total population. Such a magnanimous place! Is it as large as Luzon? Visayas? Mindanao? Crap.

I really want to know what's behind all of this. Dub me a "cynic" but I find it better than to just let it slide its way. Does his companionship with Lito Atienza, who seems to be very adherent to him, and Gov. Chavit Singson, which almost all are cognizant of his umm.. ahh... ehh.. umm.. never mind.., have to do with this? A comment on blog post of Ellen caught my attention. "Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are." LOL. If this apophthegm holds true, pack up guys! WE ARE DOOMED!

After all, we can't intuitively count him out. He is qualified to run the race. Let us just wait and see if his knocking ring skills can stand hale the vortex of law-making. That is, IF he'll win.

THE UNFAIR REALITY

2009-05-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

When I graduated from college, it came to my mind the next step I will be taking after a year. With the course I took up, I planned to land a job in banks, auditing firms and multinational companies. Such a great feeling, envisioning myself wearing a Sahara top (long sleeves), a pair of slacks, loafers and a nice tie, carrying my own laptop bag on my shoulders and heading my way to Makati. Even the fact that the MRT has always been mobbed during rush hour, I don't mind.

Much more the feeling when I passed the CPA Board Exam. I can't explain the feeling so overwhelming that I was really in hysteria when text messages lauding me for the achievement flooded my cellphone. The moment gave me a better picture of what will I be after the next few months. Passing the exam, I thought, assures me of myriad of great opportunities and I felt that my dream position is only half an inch away to my grasp but slowly, the euphoria brought me to the realm of obliviousness of the tragic twist of reality.

All set! From the docs to the get up. Leaving the house with a smile painted on my face, I practiced answering some interview questions. I still can't believe the moment. “Here I am!”, I told myself when I arrived at the MRT Ayala Station with the unwavering cool composure. Moved when I saw the mob of people I was just envisaging before. Just so perfect! I met with my batchmate, he passed the exam too, cause we planned to apply together and decided to aim first for auditing firms. As we head our way to Paseo, we bumped into one of our JPIA alumnus and so excited, he treated us for a lunch (I never thought pizza and iced tea could be a great lunch.). We chatted along while digging in to the pizza of Pizza Hut and opened was the topic of our plans, so we told him everything of our 30-minute what-to-do (we just made our itinerary that time we met). But in the middle of the conversation, he told us the horrendous scenario that really struck me, a sort that made my picturesque vision vanish.

“The firms have been observing a sort of a Quality Control on their hiring”, he said. At first, I worried not since it is a good practice to take up to for the benefit of the company itself. I thought it is JUST an advantage if you possess those descriptions but I was wrong, I found out. Deliberately, most firms hamper many applicants from taking their application exam. You pass your resume, so what?! They would just tell you, “We will just contact you for the schedule of the examination. Come back with the other credentials.. blah.. blah.. blah..”. It's apparent that they are just giving the applicants false hopes. Letting them to aspire for the company well in fact, they don't have even a single chance to be hired. It would be better to bullshit the aspirants directly on their faces, “YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE, ASSHOLE!” Craggy but far better off than the glibs. Just a thought, where the hell those companies put the resumes of the PREJUDGED applicants. Maybe, they use it as scratch papers for their working paper drafts? Some maybe uses it when there are coffee spills on the floor to wipe it off? Or the worst, they just throw if off in the trash cans. Three points! Horrible.

I pored over on the thought that had me numb physically and mentally. I'm neither a Laude graduate nor a product of a prestigious school and more that I am not a Board topnotcher. Am I just a pitiful board passer with nothing to brag on? My colleague didn't bother since he was a double major graduate, Accountancy and Management, and he got a grade of whopping 90% in Auditing Problems of the board. Bit by bit, I started to succumb on my dreams. We went out of the restaurant with my enthusiasm so down. We prowled around Makati for our aims, passed our resume, told with smooth tongued words and went out of the building. That's it! The odyssey ends. Such a nice day, isn't it?

I arrived at home with down feelings still. Imagining those companies I aspire for far beyond my reach. My inner self started to lament but no one is going to take heed. Trying to figure out what had just happened the whole day.

I power on the computer to search for other companies. I thought, those is just 1% of the menagerie of good companies here in the Philippines. It's no good sulking in one corner and dwelling on things you can never change. Is it really unchangeable?

After days, I heard nothing from the firms. I felt bitter somehow but it would just lead me into nothing good. So I just built the proper equanimity again and played on the words “I'll eventually find a good job.”. I'll be an asset to the company who will hire me, my promise to myself. These words devoured the melancholy besetting my mood and I started to realize “Indeed, it's the UNFAIR REALITY. So FUCKING what?!”